Friday, February 19, 2010

A twisting of Conflicts

Love and fear twisted in a rope, years like knots sliding toward each other as in a Chotki; a prayer rope, similar to Mala beads. Love a prayer full of hope. Fear a way to hold one's self back or protected.

I find it odd that two seemingly such different emotions seem to be some of the greatest motivators. Yet, I also see how they become entwined, wrapping them selves in a coupling; one in which there is suffering.

I am wondering how it is that we might find it within ourselves to feed Love, and find Compassion for Fear. Breathing into both, honouring that both exist and have a place that is valuable. Unfortunately, I am not filled with the wisdom to know how to go about this all the time. Or perhaps it is a gift that I must practice the unwinding each day.

To sit with all that Love represents to me, to take the time to know that I am deeply loved as I am. In times of deep questioning I find myself turning toward the Ocean, with all her many faces. Learning to sail in the Casco Bay, off Maine's coast; with it’s many varying depths and rocky areas. I hold to a sailor friend teaching me to Breathe, to his constant reminder that sometimes the best we can do is duck, so as not to be thrown overboard. Yet, to fear the winds, the movement of the sail, lines and the sea itself would not serve my enjoyment of being on the water. “Calm seas do not a good sailor make ~ feel into the wind.” Knowing also that there may be a time; the best you can do is set the till to making the ship go round in never ending circles till other help arrives. My first lesson was just that – in the event that he himself went over, I’ve never been sure as to whether or not he knows how to swim.

I have learned that a lot of sailors, funny enough don’t know how to swim, yet that do not allow that to become a fear. (It is also not part of the plan to end up in the water.) Theirs is a love of the movement of nature, a gentle taming for a moment in time. I found they have a healthy respect, for what could be; not allowing it to stop them- just eyes wide open.

I like to believe that I feel/think my way into being with Love, in this very way. I am most often willing to jump right into Love, into Friendship, into trying something that I know little about. Some times I laugh that not knowing all the rules; one is able to move through the process of being in the moment much easier. Yet, this too is where my friend Fear can step in and twist itself into being. The voice of the critic “not good enough”, “who do you think you are”, or even perhaps “good god – what are you thinking”.

Not such a worry in terms of creating art, food, or being in friendship ~ Loving another person or even ourself, as a partner, friend or even a parent, well that indeed is a different story. The twisting can get so tight as to keep me from Breathing. How is it that I stop trusting, my own breath in those moments? No longer confident as they head out my door ~ will they return? How do is it that this story is one we all seem to tell in some form?
I want to learn to sit in Love, to sit with Fear ~ breathing. Finding the space between, making time to hold them both in Sacred Space, knowing that I’ve not lost my way. That as a child of this Wild Wonderful Universe love surrounds me like a cloak. It is up to me to feel it against my skin, invite it to whisper in my Soul.

I want to Re-member that Fear can be a warning, can and does keep me alert, that it too whispers on the wind. That it’s intent is to keep me safe, away from the crashing of the sea against the shore. Fear helps to keep me aware, my heart beat kicking as I sail, watching with open eyes for a shift in the wind. Duck as the sail and line come around, the boat under my feet moving in rhythm to this dance.

This is the dance I wish to have between Love and Fear. A continuing invitation to be open to Life, to go ahead move toward what it is we desire ~ just make sure that we are not sailing over the edge of the world with our eyes closed. Now eyes, open well ~ I say LEAP! Trust the universe desires our greatest becoming. Our wings to open as our roots hold true. Put them in your planner, make room for them both. The more we invite our selves to sit with them, I believe the easier it is to be with and in them. Life is after all a practice.

In Bodhisattva

Photo taken by H.F.Griffin 2003 - Unicorns in the water

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